-You are acting addictively.
-You reach a point of disgust.
-You tell yourself, "I've had it!" You make a gut-wrenching effort to stop.
Or stopping doesn't take much effort because you're so sick and tired of acting addictively.
-You feel better. You're happy not acting addictively.
-Then one day, your mind seems to flip a switch and back you go to your addiction.
-You can't stand going back. But you're back.
-The addiction becomes pleasurable to you again.
-You start the process all over again.
After acting addictively most sex addicts feel shame and disgust. For others, the shame and disgust sets in later. And the addict takes on the characteristic of any other addiction. Because now the addict seeks the next addictive thrill to overcome the guilt and shame of the prior one. All addicts share a tragic trait with other addictions. The tragedy that undermines all addictions is that most people who are sexually addicted have stopped doing their addiction for some period of time. Then after weeks, months, or in some cases years, they find themselves returning to their addiction.
When the addict returns to the addiction, he or she sinks into a pit of hopelessness and doom. At the bottom of it they fatalistically conclude that they are sentenced to a life of addiction. They come to believe that because they returned to their addiction, they didn't want to stop in the first place. What they don't realize is that if they had gotten better advice they probably would be free of their addiction today. The process of overcoming addiction is a parallel challenge. Not only is there the challenge of addiction, there is also the necessity of developing the personality skills so that you can function well in adult relationships.
Can it be done? Not if you use approaches that have continuously failed to help sexually addicted people. The most common approaches - conventional therapy and 12-step programs - have a consistent track record of failure in the area of sexual addiction. Conventional therapy fails because it relies on the myth that you are not responsible for your actions. It states that because of some trauma in your past you act addictively. But the fact is millions of people have been abused, many worse than you. And they do not become addicts. 12-step programs fail because they use an alcohol model to treat sexual addiction. Since alcohol is not an inborn drive you can cold-turkey alcohol. But if you try to cold-turkey sex you will fail.
To find an approach you can have confidence in you must first find a counselor you can trust. And that brings us to the main problem. How do you know that you can trust me? How do you know that I can actually help you? Answer: you don't. Overcoming addiction is like anything else in life entails risk. In order for me to help you, you need to take a risk. The risk is minimal, but it is still a risk. That risk is contacting me and asking for help. You've probably never been able to talk to anyone about this. Or the people you have spoken to were empathetic but not very helpful. Or they were condemnatory. You've wanted help for years. This isn't the first time you've thought about getting it. You sometimes tell yourself that you can live with your addiction. Other times you tell yourself, "I've got to stop." You may have considered suicide, you may have attempted it.
The guilt is like a thunderstorm that drenches your mind and feels like it will never end. The obsession pokes, jabs, kicks and punches at you day and night. You know that you will never get over the self-hate and the disgust for as long as you continue. You feel that no one can be trusted. The list of pains and miseries you experience can go on endlessly. And it will - until you get the help you need.